Archives of Candlekeep: Hags of the Feywild
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Eighty One on 15 September 2021. Ostron: Ryu? I thought you were headed into town for some snacks? Did you take the nightmare? Ryu: Definitely not. I don’t care how much KayDee insists he’s a big softie. No I met a nice woman on the road who fell in a ditch and needed help. She had a bunch of apples with her and gave me a bunch, so I didn’t need to go all the way to town. See here’s one- (loud horrific screeching explosion) Ryu (angrily): Lennon! What are you doing? Lennon: Saving your life! Old woman that fell in a ditch, needs help from a nice young girl, offers fruit? Did she give you anything else? Weird necklace, funny smelling potion, random baby? Ostron: Okay, Lennon, clearly you’re excited about something but the rest of us are a bit lost. Lennon: Ryu just described classic Hag…
Adventurer’s Journal: Time for a New Look
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy Nine on 1 September 2021. Lennon (groaning painfully): Okay…chair…nice chair…ohh – except it’s not padded. At least it’s not a mimic. The Mimic: One in six chance…should have listened when that machine was talking. Ryu: What, you’re talking to yourself now? Lennon: It’s not…you know what, I don’t even care anymore. Ostron: What happened to you? Lennon: I was talking to RaeRae and I asked her why she didn’t choose to be a Moon Druid because otherwise she can never turn into any useful animals. Ryu: Oh boy. I imagine her staff of troll smiting was part of the chat after that? Lennon: I don’t think I’ll be sitting right for a while. I don’t feel I deserved it though. Ostron: Why’s that? Lennon: Well, I mean I was right! The other druids all end up becoming casters, they can’t get any really powerful creature forms. Ryu: You haven’t actually worked with many…
Gnomish Workshop: Living on the Edge (of Unconsciousness)
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy Eight on 25 August 2021. (Gnomish workshop door opens) Lennon (in obnoxious good mood): Hi anyone here? ROSTRO: Please state the nature of the mathematical inquiry. Killer DM: Oh good! Lennon, maybe you can help with something. Lennon (still in plastic good mood): Bye, I need to go dive in a gelatinous cube! Killer DM: So when I said “maybe you can help” what I actually meant was “get your pasty bald self in here, you’re helping.” Lennon: Look, my Charisma increased as a warlock, I still can’t help installing things in the machine. ROSTRO: My physical chassis does not require any modification at this time. The Killer DM wishes to delve more into the subject of unconsciousness. Lennon: Ohhhh I get to help with that? I’m pretty sure I still have enough of a strength score to swing a chair. Killer DM: Mmmm, better be careful which chair you…
Archives of Candlekeep: Unbalancing the Scales
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy Seven on 18 August 2021. Ryu (obviously vexed): Ostron! Ostron: Yes? Ryu: I have a lot of things I want to say right now but the first one is “What is wrong with you?” Ostron: I think you’ll have to be more specific … Ryu: Do I look like I’m in the mood for jokes? Explain this! Ostron: Um…”Experimentation Proposal Form?” I…I think I was working on this the other day. It was an idea I had, although I nodded off a little bit after. I didn’t think I’d gotten it done. Ryu: So you were actually going to submit this!? Lennon: Hang on, this looks like really neat writing…too neat. Wait, this isn’t written, this is printed … in dot matrix … Ryu: Ah…okay…So I’ll apologize because I think my anger is misplaced. Slightly. Ryu (subvocal mumbling): I really hate that machine. Lennon: (reading the form): Wait…request to have serpentine appendages grafted to shoulder…
Archives of Candlekeep: Thay is not your color
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy Five on 28 July 2021. Lennon: Ryu, do you like travel? Ryu: Oh yeah, trips are cool! Where are we going? Lennon: Thay. Ryu: No! Wrong! I told you; stop trying to go weird places and find a new patron! You signed a contract! Deal with the consequences. Besides, Thay’s on the no port list. Lennon: So it’s landlocked? Ryu: No!…wait, is it? Ostron: Yes. Ryu: Good to know, but “no port” as in no teleporting! Lennon: Aww, why can’t we go there? Ryu: Do you want a list? Here, we’ve got a list. Thay is becoming a more prominent part of 5th edition lore as time goes on, but it has been around since 1st edition. A 1st edition adventure module called “Dreams of the Red Wizards” (which the more modern Adventurer’s League adventure is loosely based on) was published by TSR in 1988. While it was placed firmly in the…
Unearthed Mundana: How Is Crime Organized?
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy Three on 14 July 2021. Ostron: Ryu? Ryu (panicked): I didn’t take it. The hat’s in the vault. Lennon gave me the money for socks. Ostron: Do you even wear socks? I thought you had those footwrap shoe-like things for climbing? Ryu: Let’s change the subject. Did you need something? Ostron: Yeah, I need some materials to repair one of the artifacts and they’re…not the sort of thing you can pick up in the marketplace, if you know what I mean. Ryu: Right. You want the Jinjja Haengbokhan Jeulgeoun Sarinjoe Keurreob. Lennon: Hey! I told you people to stop summoning stuff! Ryu: I wasn’t. That’s the group name: Jinjja Haengbokhan Jeulgeoun Sarinjoe Keurreob. Lennon: Group of what? Demons? Ryu: No! They’re…creatively independent business people. Lennon: Ah, so the thieves’ guild. Ryu: They would consider that kind of insulting. Also they aren’t organized like a guild. Ostron: Does that matter? Ryu: Oh boy. Here, sit down and…
Wisdom of the Masters: OP Mitigation
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy Two on 7 July 2021. Lennon: Okay, so I’ve called everyone together to discuss protocol. Ryu: Stop worrying; I donate all of your gold to charity. Ostron: I don’t think a Gold Fund Me titled “Ryu needs a dragon” counts as charity. Ryu: I have a totally legitimate parchment from the local king saying it does. Lennon (legitimately confused): Not what we’re talking about. I just…I don’t know I just have this nagging sense that if we get a dangerously powerful artifact in here we need to have a plan for how to deal with it. Ostron: I’m on board with this. Ryu: No, I’m still confused. What kind of dangerous artifacts are we talking about? Okay, so most veteran DMs have dealt with this scenario before: somehow, some way, the players have acquired an item or ability that has turned the power curve into a vertical wall. Whether…
Gnomish Workshop: Need Heals, where’s the … Druid?
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy One on 30 June 2021. Ostron: Ugh…Is Gath around? Lennon: Oh, man what happened? Did Cinder get too rough during playtime? Ostron: No, because unlike some people I don’t make a habit of teasing the large jungle cat. I was trying to drag a chair into the Candlekeep Annex and it must have a split edge or a splinter or something. Lennon: Are you sure? That looks more like a bite to me. Ryu: Um, yeah, so we may have a problem. I don’t think Gath is doing healing anymore. Ostron: Not doing…that’s what we hired him for! Ryu: Well I went to his workspace and I found all these fliers for something…what’s a discretion? Ostron: Oh great he went to a conference for Clerics. What’s it about? Ryu: Well there’s a lot of hype but the tagline is “you are more than a healer” and some of the panels are…
Gnomish Workshop: Critical Imagination: Nat 20s Out of Combat
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Sixty Nine on 16 July 2021. Tony: Oh, there you are. Ryu: Excellent! Just in time, Tony. You are now a witness to my greatest victory! Hah! ROSTRO: Please state the nature of the mathematical enquiry. Ryu: Oh come on! Tony: What is…? Oh wait a minute is this that machine that everyone complains about? ROSTRO: I am the realized oikumenatal solution to removing obfus- Ryu: Yeah, yeah, this is ROSTRO and it’s still ON! What gives? ROSTRO: There has been no applicable action perpetrated that would interfere with normal operations. Ryu: I got a 20 on my Intelligence check! You should be a pile of useless junk! Tony: Dirty? ROSTRO: My chassis is capable of repelling all common grime and- Ryu (raging): That’s not what he meant! And it was a natural 20! I win! Why are you still making sounds!? ROSTRO: I believe the fundamental issue hearkens back to a longstanding misinterpretation of the…
Wisdom of the Masters: I would skulk 500 Miles: Dungeon corridors
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Sixty Eight on 9 July 2021. Ryu (attacking): All right, hands up and drop everything you’re carrying or I’ll paint the walls with…oh. Hi Tony. Tony (nervously): Hi…is there a reason I was almost murdered? Ryu: I just thought you were staying in the recording booth. Confused you with someone else. Tony: Don’t tell me who they are. I probably already know too much. Also, how did you sneak up on me like that? Ostron: How high is your wisdom score? Tony: You don’t get to be a good lawyer if you can’t spot people lying through their teeth, eyes, or whatever other body part and I’m a pretty good lawyer. Ryu: Okay, so your perception is probably good too, but I mean…I’ve got the carpeting in the recording booth, all the ambient noise around, and of course there’s the hallways. Tony: What hallways? Ryu: Exactly. Tony: I’m lost. Ryu: No you aren’t. Tony: I…