Adventurer’s Journal: Tactics: Not Just for Battlemaster Fighters
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-seven on 7th October 2020. Lennon: We can’t put arrowslits in every wall. Ryu: Sure we can, they’re really easy to make. You just need a vorpal sword, really. Lennon: No, I mean, we can physically do it but then the walls fall down and instead of a guild house we have an embankment. And an angry research beholder looking for books. Ryu (with increasing frustration): Fine, why don’t we just go open plan then? Ostron can keep it above 70- Lennon: You mean 20? Ryu: Ostron can keep it comfortable with his weather spells, so we can just open the place up with some columns and arches. Lennon: Has anyone ever explained to you what a chokepoint is? Ryu: I’m getting really close to one now, I think. Ostron: Hey you two…am I interrupting something? Ryu: Yes. Lennon wants us all to die if the guild house catches fire because having more than…
Archives of Candlekeep: Mister Elminster
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-six on 30th September 2020. Ostron: All right, buckle up folks, it’s time to talk about Elminster. Ryu: Oh good I had a bunch of other things to get done. Lennon: Yeah, I’m going to fit a few things in the schedule and … Ostron: Wait, what are you talking about? There’s a whole pile of notes I have here. Ryu: How much could possibly be interesting about this guy? He’s the most stereotypical of stereotypical wizards. Lennon: I mean, yeah, robes, beard, pipe, pointy hat, if Gandalf weren’t a thing this guy would be the prototype for every wizard in Fantasy. Ostron: You guys clearly didn’t read the bullet summary. All right, here are your notes. Lennon: Oh you better not have had ROSTRO pad this out. Okay so as Mordenkainen is to Greyhawk, Elminster is to the Forgotten Realms, although he doesn’t necessarily get the automatic title of “most powerful…
Archives of Candlekeep: Mordenkindof a Big Deal
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-five on 23rd September 2020. Ryu: Lennon? Lennon: What? I put your knives back this time, I didn’t even leave any of them sticking in the fireplace. Ryu: Right, thanks for that, but I thought Ostron wanted you to work on the notes about Mordenkainen? Lennon: I did! They’re right here. Ryu: That’s five sheets of paper and a post-it. Lennon: Oh that’s where that went. Yeah, the post-it was just a reminder that I need to get more coffee. We’re out of coffee by the way. Ryu: You just went to the market. Lennon: But recall, I lost the post-it. Ryu: Ugh. Oh, Ostron, there you are. Did you check Lennon’s work on Mordenkainen? Ostron: Yeah, why? Ryu: Doesn’t it seem a little…light? Ostron: Oh, no that’s what it would look like. Mordenkainen is one of the most famous characters in D&D lore, particularly if you’re a fan of Greyhawk or if you’ve been following…
Gnomish Workshop: What is a Death Spiral
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-four on 16th September 2020. Ryu: Ostron had something for us in the workshop? Lennon: Yeah, though I’m a little confused by- (ROSTRO starts up) Ryu: Oh joy, I’m going now. Lennon: No, I am not dealing with the machine on my own, come on. Ryu: Fine. Hello ROSTRO. ROSTRO: Please state the nature of the mathematical inquiry. Lennon: No, you. ROSTRO: Ostron appears to have been analyzing the nature of death spirals. Ryu: That doesn’t sound good at all. Is he okay? Do we need to get Gath in here? ROSTRO: A death spiral does not refer to any extant or lingering metabolic issue. Please refer to the output crystals as I begin. On multiple previous occasions, it has been noted that the possibility of permanent death among player characters is experientially and statistically unlikely due to the structure of the fifth edition hit point system. While arguably one of the simpler implementations…
Archives of Candlekeep: Some Call Her… Tasha
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-three on 9th September 2020. Killer DM: Anthony, darling, nice of you to join us here. You’re a detective sort, so tell me, why has Ostron been hiding these notes away when they’re clearly about the best wizard ever? Tony: Oh, yeah, I’ve heard about what happens when Ryu puts on the hat. Besides, it looks like he wasn’t hiding them, he just put them under this book so they wouldn’t blow away. Libby: Book! Tony: Uh, yeah, I guess, you can take that back now. Oh, and I’m a lawyer by the way, not a detective. Killer DM: Another Rules Lawyer? Fine. With the organ donor not around, I guess you’ll do. Tell me, are your kidneys original? Tony: Not a rules lawyer, just a regular one. Killer DM: Oh, well, the specifics don’t matter to me. It’s what’s on the… inside… that counts. Lennon: You have medical insurance, right Tony?…
Archives of Candlekeep: Yummy, Yummy Brains
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-two on 2nd September 2020. Lennon: Look, I don’t care how much you want to, you cannot write a treatise on Mindflayers and not mention Spelljammer. Ostron: There are a few more ideas I had that I want to try. Ryu: No, no; I can already see your eyes drooping and I don’t want to deal with that machine today. Just…look Lennon and I can handle the scary bits, you deal with the other stuff. Lennon: Um, excuse me? We’re talking Mindflayers; it’s all scary bits. Ryu: I meant the stuff that scares Ostron, not the rest of it that should scare any rational thinking being. Lennon: Right, fine, where do we start? Ostron: Funny you should bring that up. Along with the Beholder, arguably one of the most well-known original creatures to come out of Dungeons and Dragons is the Illithid, more commonly referred to as the Mindflayer. Mindflayers have…
Archives of Candlekeep: Under a Dark Sun
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-one on 26th August 2020. ROSTRO: Please state the nature of the mathematical inquiry? Ryu: Ugh, It isn’t one! Why is this thing even involved? I thought we were discussing lore? ROSTRO overanalyzes game mechanics. ROSTRO: My capabilities are not as limited as you imply. Lennon: All right, let’s see what you’ve got here. “Dark Sun was a criminal syndicate that came into prominence during the Clone Wars as the Jedi-” Hang on, this is about Star Wars. ROSTRO: Please hold. Ryu: I told you we shouldn’t be using it for anything that doesn’t involve algebra! Now we have [through clenched teeth] to do it ourselves…I think I failed a wisdom save. ROSTRO: Please hold. Lennon (through clenched teeth): I can’t move either. ROSTRO: Inter-dimensional information retrieval recalibrated. Reacquiring salient details. Initiating psionic infallibility protocol. (crackling magic) Ryu: Whoa. What just…oh yeah, why is this thing even involved? I thought we were…
Unearthed Mundana: Whyfor the Bard
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty on 19th August 2020. Lennon: So we’ve had a complaint from HR- Ryu: Look, nobody else is good at hiding things around here, but obviously *I* can’t hide the mop from KayDee, so- Lennon: No, no, it’s not about that. Ostron: I only lost one of the research beholders the other day, and I swear it’ll be coming back to this plane in the next 24 to 96 hours- Lennon: Okay, I want to ask several questions but at the same time I’m not sure I want the answers so I’m just going to leave that one alone. No, they’re complaining about this hole in the org chart. Ostron: I told it the moisturizer was corrosive- Lennon: All right, I need you to just stop talking about…anything you’ve been doing lately. By “hole” I meant the position isn’t filled. Ryu: We already interviewed for the Barbarian position, they weren’t a…
Unearthed Mundana: Barbarian Smash!
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Twenty Nine on 5th August 2020. Ostron: Ryu? I wanted to talk to you about this application? Ryu: Oh I thought it looked good! Ostron: “In defense of the humble barbarian?” No, I don’t think it’s good, it’s a terrible idea. Ryu: Why!? Ostron: The premise is wrong! Barbarians don’t defend, they just attack. And I don’t think they know what humble means, much less how to act that way. Lennon: Classist much? Ostron: Do you know how much delicate, sensitive stuff is in the Gnomish Workshop on any given day? And what do you think Libby’s going to do if they get into the Annex and go to town on the shelves. Lennon: Okay, you really need to stop. I’ve already had this conversation with someone else. Ostron: See, more people on my side. Who was it? Ryu: KayDee. Ostron: …Okay, so I’m wizard enough to admit I might need to rethink some things.…
Unearthed Mundana: High, Low, Wide – pick your magic
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Twenty Eight on 29th July 2020. Killer DM: Really, you don’t know what you’re missing; I’ve seen people do really crazy things. ROSTRO: There are certain quantum mechanical planes which derive similar effects in my experience. Lennon: Oh dear gods why!? I mean, I’ve been good lately, haven’t I? Killer DM: Hello Lennon! Would you care to explain this package a courier dropped off this morning? Lennon: Um…they’re research materials for the thing Ostron asked us to work on, with the magic? ROSTRO: There is a certain elegance in the amount of verbiage employed in that sentence despite a total lack of useful information whatsoever. Killer DM: I couldn’t have said it better myself. Well, actually I could have; you ramble, but fortunately for you, limey, after a bit of discussion with my faaavorite coworker here, I figured out what’s going on. Lennon: What’s that, other than completely ruining my day? ROSTRO:…