Unearthed Mundana: Cheese for the Poor?
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Fifty on 27 January 2021. (loud rock drilling) Ryu (shouting): LENNON! (drilling stops) Lennon: What? Ryu: Oh thank goodness. You realize nobody can hear anything? Also you’re getting rock dust all over the place. Lennon: I’m investing in our future, Ryu, you need to get on board here. Ryu: You’re carving a gigantic…triangle?…out of a rock. How is this investing in our future? Are you going to sell it as a sculpture? Lennon: Look, I heard from one of the research beholders that the Shaleshatter clan stumbled on a huge gold vein in one of their mines. There is so much gold there it’s going to crash the market, and gold coins are going to be worthless. These, now, these babies are where it’s at. Pretty soon everyone will be hauling these to their grocers when they need bread. Ryu: Ostron! Ostron: What…oh. Ryu: I think Lennon’s been hit with a confusion spell or…
Archives of Candlekeep: The Archives of Candlekeep
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Forty-eight on 20 January 2021. Lennon: Oh good, there you are. Ryu: Yeah, what do you need stol-aaah recovered? Lennon: Nothing, I need you to help with that. Libby (sadly): Book. Ryu: Um…why me? Lennon: Because every time I try to go near it, Libby zaps me. Ostron: That looks like…yeah that’s three bottles of whiskey and it appears to have moved onto wine. What is a beholder’s alcohol tolerance anyway? Lennon: That’s your department. I just remember Libby actually got along with Ryu when she got it drunk, so… Ryu (sighing): Fine. Ryu (consoling): Hey Libby. What’s wrong, huh? What, oh, you have a piece of paper. Application for acceptance into the Avowed rejected. Aww, that’s too bad. Ostron: Yeah, that’s a blow, keep your chi — um — eyes up though, I’m sure there’ll be another opening soon. Ryu: Okay, nine crying eyes makes the shoulders damp pretty quick. Um, can someone quickly fill me…
Archives of Candlekeep: Glasya – Daddy’s Little Devil
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Forty-seven on 23rd December 2020. Ryu (breathlessly): Oh good, you guys are here. Lennon: Um, yes, are you okay? Ryu: Maybe? Are there side effects to chaining bless spells? Ostron: Why is that a question? Ryu: Look, KayDee is desperately trying to get involved with the Glasya research and I’m fairly sure that will end with her trying to summon the archdevil for a chat. I decided I needed an extra boost so I’ve been getting Gath to bless me continually. Ostron: I don’t know about any side effects but you certainly look like you’re under a lot of strain. Ryu: Yeah, well, you better hope I can hold it together because I’m pretty sure Gath’s totally out of spell slots. Like the ones he uses for resurrection? Ostrong: Right, I assume you have the notes to turn in then? Ryu: Yeah, here, lets go over them. Glasya’s presence in the hierarchy of the…
Adventurer’s Journal: Auditory Cues
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Forty-six on 16th December 2020. Lennon: All right, for some reason all the doors in the guild house are sticking, so I had to call this meeting virtually. Ostron (through loud machinery noises): Yeah, I’m working on that; it’s because of…well anyway I’m working on it. Lennon: Right…I sort of got that. Ryu (through tyrannosaur roar ): Yeah, the door to the stables is definitely stuck. I do not have the Athletics proficiency to fix that. Lennon: Yes we’re all aware that the doors … Ryu (interrupting): No, Peaches, we’ve talked about this, you can’t play with Branwen’s panther. Lennon: Um, Ryu? Ryu: I know, I know, it’s all fast and interesting but you stepped on his tail last time and … Lennon: Ryu! Ryu: What? Lennon: Your sending stone is still broadcasting. Ryu: What? Oh … Lennon: And that brings us to the reason for today’s meeting. See, our chief audio alchemist has been under the…
Archives of Candlekeep: Moloch: Always Swipe Left
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Forty-five on 9th Decembet 2020. Killer DM: Oh whatever. Ryu for some reason asked Ostron for this research assignment and then she foisted it off on me! Can you believe it? The nerve! Ostron: Oh, she gave *you* the Moloch research? That’s a very…interesting approach. I think there was an ulterior motive here. Lennon: Make *us* miserable? Ostron: No…I think you’ll understand once we get into it. You have done *some* work on it, right? Moloch comes up a lot when you start looking up a who’s who of big names in the nine hells, but it’s sort of the same deal as when you’re talking about famous kings and you get to Louis [LOO-ee] the [16th] XVI. A lot of people know who he was, but that ‘s mostly from the time when his underlings rose up and threw him out. Also he had a harpy wife that people…
Wisdom of the Masters: Emotional Exercise
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Forty-three on 25th November 2020. Ryu: Okay, so what about when you’re annoyed. Libby (annoyed): Book! Ryu: Right, okay, I think I’m getting the hang of this. Hmm. Drunk. What are you like drunk? Do you get drunk? Hang on. Ostron! Ostron: Speaking. Ryu: Can you get me a fireball? Libby (worried and angry): Book! Ryu: No, not an actual fireball, the whiskey. Lennon: Did someone say whiskey. Ostron: Either that or Ryu wants me to set the annex on fire. Ryu: No, no, I’m trying to get Libby drunk. Lennon: Hm. See usually when someone says something that makes me think of questions I need, but definitely don’t want answers to, it’s Ostron, but here goes. What in Bog’s name are you trying to get Libby drunk for? Ryu: I’m trying to get to know it better. See I found this thing called “emotional exercise” and it’s supposed to help you get to know someone better.…
Unearthed Mundana: The Reset Button
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Forty-two on 18th November 2020. Ostron: All right, I’m calling it; there’s just too much damage. Lennon: I don’t know, a lot of things still seem to be working… Ostron: Mikey has, like, two functional crystal balls to do audio alchemy, the scrying pool is still leaking water from Umberlee knows where, and ROSTRO keeps randomly turning itself on. Ryu (mumbling to herself): That might be because you keep working in places where there are a lot of falling objects. Ostron: What? Ryu: Never mind, so what’s the alternative? Hire an army of dwarves and wizards to fix the place up? Ostron: No, I rework the teleportation runes into transmutation runes and it resets the guild house and almost everything in it to the state it was in before the Tarrasque attack. Lennon: And we’ve been trying to glue and tape this place back together for two weeks why? Ryu: Hang on, I’m…
Archives of Candlekeep: Pack It Up, Folks!
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Forty on 5th November 2020. (roaring) Ostron: I didn’t just hear that. (roaring) Ostron: No, okay, I did hear that. We’re Omega Black people, this is not a drill! Libby (panicked): Book! RaeRae: Getting the cover on the scrying pool. Gath: Securing potions. Lennon: Why didn’t we set up an alarm for this kind of thing? (roaring) RaeRae: Did you not hear that? It is the alarm! Where’s Ryu? Killer DM (amused): Oh my. What is going on here? RaeRae: That figures. Gath (sighing): Let me go find my diamonds. Ostron: I suppose you’re the cause of all this? Killer DM: Well all this panicking and running around, no, although it is amusing. But if you mean the Tarrasque, then yes. I mean, I’ve never seen one before, so I was curious. Lennon: You’re alive, of course you’ve never seen one before. Killer DM: I don’t see what the fuss is about. It’s just…okay well it is…
Archives of Candlekeep: To Rule in Hell
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-nine on 28th October 2020. Ryu: Lennon? Lennon: Darn it…yes? Ryu: Well, for one, you failed your stealth roll. For another, why are you heading toward the workshop with a blackjack? Lennon: I…need to use ROSTRO and Ostron’s in the workshop. Ryu: Okay, so there are so many things wrong with what you’re doing I just…can’t…even…but why do you need to use that…thing? Lennon: Well, I’m not exactly sure how to summon Asmodeus and I was hoping ROSTRO could help. Ryu: OSTRON!! Ostron: What? Ryu: Oh…I thought you were in the workshop? Ostron: No…why were you yelling? Ryu: Can you explain to me why Lennon has decided he needs to summon Asmodeus? Ostron: No…whenever he’s doing something odd I assume it’s a British thing. Lennon: Hang on, you’re not pushing this off on me, you were the one who gave me the research assignment. Ostron: I said I needed a few notes on Asmodeus, I assumed you were…
Archives of Candlekeep: It’s a treasure chaaaah!
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-eight on 14th October 2020. Ryu: Okay, we’re back from the market and…um… Ostron: Here, this is your stack. Lennon: What did you do to my stash of Post-it notes? Ostron: I used them. Which I have to apologize because originally I assumed buying 50,000 Post-its was a waste, but now we actually need them, so… Ryu: Need them for what? The common room looks like a bad wallpaper job. Ostron: We have a mimic infestation. Lennon: Ugh, how did that happen? Ostron: I don’t know, I assumed someone looted something and it was a particularly clever mimic. Ryu: Wait, how do you have a clever mimic? Don’t they just sit and wait until something comes by and then they munch it with the gigantic teeth? Lennon: Actually they don’t have teeth, usually. Ryu: But I’ve seen pictures! Ostron: Okay clearly we need some reeducation here. Pull up a chair. Lennon: Um…. Ostron: Right, the ones…