Unearthed Mundana: The Reset Button
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Forty-two on 18th November 2020. Ostron: All right, I’m calling it; there’s just too much damage. Lennon: I don’t know, a lot of things still seem to be working… Ostron: Mikey has, like, two functional crystal balls to do audio alchemy, the scrying pool is still leaking water from Umberlee knows where, and ROSTRO keeps randomly turning itself on. Ryu (mumbling to herself): That might be because you keep working in places where there are a lot of falling objects. Ostron: What? Ryu: Never mind, so what’s the alternative? Hire an army of dwarves and wizards to fix the place up? Ostron: No, I rework the teleportation runes into transmutation runes and it resets the guild house and almost everything in it to the state it was in before the Tarrasque attack. Lennon: And we’ve been trying to glue and tape this place back together for two weeks why? Ryu: Hang on, I’m…
Archives of Candlekeep: Yummy, Yummy Brains
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-two on 2nd September 2020. Lennon: Look, I don’t care how much you want to, you cannot write a treatise on Mindflayers and not mention Spelljammer. Ostron: There are a few more ideas I had that I want to try. Ryu: No, no; I can already see your eyes drooping and I don’t want to deal with that machine today. Just…look Lennon and I can handle the scary bits, you deal with the other stuff. Lennon: Um, excuse me? We’re talking Mindflayers; it’s all scary bits. Ryu: I meant the stuff that scares Ostron, not the rest of it that should scare any rational thinking being. Lennon: Right, fine, where do we start? Ostron: Funny you should bring that up. Along with the Beholder, arguably one of the most well-known original creatures to come out of Dungeons and Dragons is the Illithid, more commonly referred to as the Mindflayer. Mindflayers have…
Archives of Candlekeep: Under a Dark Sun
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-one on 26th August 2020. ROSTRO: Please state the nature of the mathematical inquiry? Ryu: Ugh, It isn’t one! Why is this thing even involved? I thought we were discussing lore? ROSTRO overanalyzes game mechanics. ROSTRO: My capabilities are not as limited as you imply. Lennon: All right, let’s see what you’ve got here. “Dark Sun was a criminal syndicate that came into prominence during the Clone Wars as the Jedi-” Hang on, this is about Star Wars. ROSTRO: Please hold. Ryu: I told you we shouldn’t be using it for anything that doesn’t involve algebra! Now we have [through clenched teeth] to do it ourselves…I think I failed a wisdom save. ROSTRO: Please hold. Lennon (through clenched teeth): I can’t move either. ROSTRO: Inter-dimensional information retrieval recalibrated. Reacquiring salient details. Initiating psionic infallibility protocol. (crackling magic) Ryu: Whoa. What just…oh yeah, why is this thing even involved? I thought we were…
Unearthed Mundana: Whyfor the Bard
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty on 19th August 2020. Lennon: So we’ve had a complaint from HR- Ryu: Look, nobody else is good at hiding things around here, but obviously *I* can’t hide the mop from KayDee, so- Lennon: No, no, it’s not about that. Ostron: I only lost one of the research beholders the other day, and I swear it’ll be coming back to this plane in the next 24 to 96 hours- Lennon: Okay, I want to ask several questions but at the same time I’m not sure I want the answers so I’m just going to leave that one alone. No, they’re complaining about this hole in the org chart. Ostron: I told it the moisturizer was corrosive- Lennon: All right, I need you to just stop talking about…anything you’ve been doing lately. By “hole” I meant the position isn’t filled. Ryu: We already interviewed for the Barbarian position, they weren’t a…
Unearthed Mundana: Barbarian Smash!
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Twenty Nine on 5th August 2020. Ostron: Ryu? I wanted to talk to you about this application? Ryu: Oh I thought it looked good! Ostron: “In defense of the humble barbarian?” No, I don’t think it’s good, it’s a terrible idea. Ryu: Why!? Ostron: The premise is wrong! Barbarians don’t defend, they just attack. And I don’t think they know what humble means, much less how to act that way. Lennon: Classist much? Ostron: Do you know how much delicate, sensitive stuff is in the Gnomish Workshop on any given day? And what do you think Libby’s going to do if they get into the Annex and go to town on the shelves. Lennon: Okay, you really need to stop. I’ve already had this conversation with someone else. Ostron: See, more people on my side. Who was it? Ryu: KayDee. Ostron: …Okay, so I’m wizard enough to admit I might need to rethink some things.…
Unearthed Mundana: High, Low, Wide – pick your magic
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Twenty Eight on 29th July 2020. Killer DM: Really, you don’t know what you’re missing; I’ve seen people do really crazy things. ROSTRO: There are certain quantum mechanical planes which derive similar effects in my experience. Lennon: Oh dear gods why!? I mean, I’ve been good lately, haven’t I? Killer DM: Hello Lennon! Would you care to explain this package a courier dropped off this morning? Lennon: Um…they’re research materials for the thing Ostron asked us to work on, with the magic? ROSTRO: There is a certain elegance in the amount of verbiage employed in that sentence despite a total lack of useful information whatsoever. Killer DM: I couldn’t have said it better myself. Well, actually I could have; you ramble, but fortunately for you, limey, after a bit of discussion with my faaavorite coworker here, I figured out what’s going on. Lennon: What’s that, other than completely ruining my day? ROSTRO:…
Wisdom of the Masters: TPKS: How, Why, What to do
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Twenty Seven on 22nd July 2020. Ryu: Ostron? Ostron: What? Ryu: You’re…glowing. Ostron: Technically the robe is glowing. And the chainmail underneath it. Lennon: How…you’re not even proficient with chainmail, how are you going to cast spells. Ostron: First of all, let me worry about that, second, it never seems to matter if I can cast spells when she’s around. Lennon: Actually, yeah, where is the KDM? I figured she’d want to jump into this with both feet. Ryu: You guys still don’t get KayDee, do you? I asked her what she does when there’s a TPK and she just said: Killer DM: I laugh, and laugh, and laugh, then I have a drink. Ryu: When I asked her what she did after that she just seemed confused, so yeah, KayDee’s not going to be much help here. Lennon: Putting aside the disturbingly accurate impersonation that *still freaks me out*, do you have a different…
Archives of Candlekeep: The Fall and Rise of the Orc
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Twenty Six on 15th July 2020. Ostron: Ah, well at least that explains the necrotic energy surge I was detecting in the Gnomish Workshop… Ryu: Lennon! What have we said about demon worship!? Lennon (annoyed): Oh what is your problem? It’s not the 1980s anymore so the Satanic Panic is over! Besides, I got the note that we had to be prepared to talk about Orcus so I got these corpses and looked up the runes. Ostron: Orcs, man, Orcs! Great now I have to siphon the energy off safely. Please pull him out of the tridecagram. Ryu: Right. Okay. Lennon: So…orcs. Ryu: Yes, orcs. Not the demon god of the undead. Lennon: So…I think it’s safe to say I’m going to need to borrow someone’s notes. Ryu: You don’t say? Here. Lennon: Right. Orcs have not only been a staple of D&D since the beginning, they’ve really been a staple of fantasy stories…
Unearthed Mundana: It’s About Time
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Twenty Five on 1st July 2020. Ryu (over sounds of multiple clocks): What is with all the ticking in here?! And do I hear water? Did the scrying pool overflow again? Ostron: It was an experiment. Lennon: See, there’s this whole section of the guild house called the Gnomish Workshop, maybe you’ve heard of it? Ostron: Yes, thank you. I was looking into time in D&D and I tried to get the Research Beholders to help. They…misunderstood the instructions. Ryu: What is there to discuss about time in D&D anyway? There’s only a couple of spells that do anything with time, right? Ostron: Not the focus I had. Time measurement shows up in D&D everywhere; rests are measured in hours, spell casting times can be hours or minutes on occasion, and of course there’s the ever-important rule of 1 combat round equaling 6 seconds of in-game time. Days, weeks, and…
Unearthed Mundana: Painting Your Miniatures – Introduction to Colour Theory
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Three on 15th January 2020. Ryu: I’m sorry, you want me to what? Lennon: Break me into the workshop. Ryu: And these buckets of paint are for? Lennon: It’s helping you too, actually. Ryu: Oh no, you are not dragging me into whatever insanity this is. Lennon: No, look; I know you’re always complaining about how ROSTRO is imposing and disturbing so I figured a quick paint job… Ryu: My issues with ROSTRO are not about how it looks. I mean, okay, that doesn’t help, but neither will painting sunflowers on it. Ostron: Hey guys, are we painting something? Lennon: What? No…yes! actually yes! Miniatures. We hear you do that, right? Ostron: Oh, yeah, all the time. A very popular pastime along with playing DnD is creating a physical avatar for a player character or to represent the hordes of foes the players will face. While it is possible to purchase or make paper…