Wisdom From the Masters: Remote Play
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Sixteen on 29th April 2020. Lennon (distorted): Okay, can you hear me? Ryu: Um…well yes, but that doesn’t sound right Ostron: I think you’ve got the… (pause) Ryu: Ostron? Oh great I think we lost him. Lennon (worse distortion): How about now? Ryu: Oh goodness! Whatever you did change it back!…Gah! Hey, I thought you were quarantining yourself in the workshop! Ostron: I am. There’s massive interference from the containment failure that’s messing with all the artifacts in there, so I figured it would be easier to just astrally project myself. Lennon: Okay, I think I got it sorted. Ryu: Why is Lennon stuck in the audio alchemists’ cave again? Ostron: The cave hatch is right outside the Workshop door. I’m not sure the wall of force protocol activated before something leaked out. Ryu: So you’re astrally projecting, Lennon’s fiddling with the sending stones in the cave, I’m the only one still in the booth.…
Adventurer’s Journal: Recycling Characters
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Fifteen on 22nd April 2020. Lennon: Hey guys? I just came from HR and I have a question. Ryu: Well that explains the sulfur smell Ostron: Oh hang on, let me just prestidigitation the floor here and… (indistinguishable squishing) Lennon: Why do I feel funny? Hey what’s going on Ryu: Ahhhh…clone? Ostron: Clone Ryu: So where’s the real Lennon? Ostron: Wait for it… Lennon: Hey guys? I just came from HR and I have a question Ostron: Great! What’s on your mind? Lennon: Why has Gath Memvar signed everything “Forever Cleric”? I thought his official position was Head Scribe? Ryu: Oh, well that was his job originally, and he’s comfortable with it. So are some of the staff. I mean, just ask KayDee’s favourite organ donor. Lennon: Yeah, fair enough, Ostron really does like having two kidneys. I really feel like Gath should just move on. Ostron: Eh, there’s an argument either way on that, I think. And…
Wisdom of the Masters: Epilogues
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Fourteen on 15th April 2020. Ostron: Well, I’m officially out of spell slots. And I’m going to be mumbling the incantation for water breathing in my sleep now. RaeRae: Did anyone actually double check that the gnome was the only one who could fix Lennon’s bike? Ostron: What, you think he made that up? RaeRae: I just, you know, find it hard to believe he made Lennon to go get him a bunch of meteoric iron. At the bottom of a lake. With nesting Hydras. I do this for him after he nearly breaks my scrying pool. He’s lucky it was his birthday. Ostron: Well the gnome finally welded everything together, though why Lennon needs a wind gauge on his bike is beyond me. Ryu: Most of Lennon’s reasoning is beyond us, honestly. (silence) Ryu: So what do we do now? RaeRae: I’ve heard of this great chain of islands everyone’s been…
Wisdom of the Masters: Winging It
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirteen on 1st April 2020. Ostron: I thought you said this wasn’t ever going to happen? Ryu: Yeah, I did, but then he taught me some stuff about Thieves’ Cant and here we are. Ostron: I thought you already knew Thieves’ Cant? Ryu: Hmm? Oh, uh, yeah. I meant I taught him. He definitely didn’t teach me. Nope. I mean, can you imagine it? Me, a rogue, who doesn’t know Thieves’ Cant? Ostron: Yeah, that’s highly unlikely, statistically speaking Ryu: Anyway, stuff and things, here we are. No! Peaches, stay. (grumbling sound) Ryu: Yes, you can play with KayDee’s nightmare after, I just need you to stay. Lennon: Okay! Bike is all set, helmet’s on, let’s do this. Ryu: Um, Lennon? You have to start up at Peaches’ head. Lennon: Right. Ladder? Ryu: With a bicycle? Ostron: Did you plan this out at all beyond “Use Peaches as a bike ramp?” Lennon: What for? I mean,…
Adventurer’s Journal: Removing the Gamey Smell of Feats
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Twelve on 25th March 2020. Libby: Book. Lennon: No thanks, my multi-eyed friend, I’ve got this. I can find whatever I’m looking for completely on my own. Ostron: You do know Libby already has a book for you, right? Lennon: That’s not the book I want. Ryu (quietly, to herself): But is it the book you need? Ostron: Look, why are you suddenly interested in finding your own books in the annex? Lennon: I’ve been practicing my passive perception! If I just walk through the stacks here, I’ll notice the book I want out of the corner of my eye! Ostron: I didn’t know you could practice passive perception… Lennon: Well…it’s not exactly how that works, if I’m being honest. Feats are technically an optional rule in D&D, but many players, particularly those running higher level characters, like the option of grabbing one for their characters. The popularity of the variant human…
Wisdom of the Masters: Infections
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Eleven on 18th March 2020. Killer DM (drawn out and threatening): Oh Lennon… Lennon: No! Killer DM: No? Lennon: Yes? What answer keeps me alive? Killer DM: Oh we’re way past that point, but before I start showing you what your own spleen looks like, I was just curious why you tried to issue a notice saying Ryu shouldn’t be associating with me for the foreseeable future? Lennon: Well…Ostron’s doing his research on infections and he recommended everyone avoid spending time in close proximity to other people…so… Killer DM: So you decided now was a good time to attempt an underhanded ban on having me around. I can actually respect that; it has a deviousness I appreciate. Lennon: It’s not a ban it’s just…you know…until Ostron’s done with his research. Killer DM: Oh, that’s fine then. (Loud pounding on a heavy door) Ostron: What do you-ghaaah! Why- Killer DM: Are you done with your research?…
Unearthed Mundana: Archaic Measurements
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Ten on 11th March 2020. ROSTRO: Please state the nature of the mathematical inquiry Lennon: Okay, so I don’t like this any more than you do, but if we both buckle down, we can get through this. ROSTRO: Nothing you stated constitutes a question Ryu (angrily sarcastic): I have one: Why is that thing humming? Lennon: Um, it does that when it’s on. Ryu: Do you see my face? Do I look like I’m in the mood for that kind of backtalk? Lennon: Well look, I was trying to figure out the out the shopping list this week, and- Ryu: Oh again with you and the shopping? Here, gimme. Ryu (flipping pages): Um…okay. What’s a peck? ROSTRO: Generally, physical contact as initiated by a creature featuring a beak- Ryu: Can it, speak-and-spell, I mean why is it listed next to apples? What is a peck of apples? ROSTRO: 2 gallons Lennon: What? Why doesn’t it say that…
Archives of Candlekeep: Ooze On First
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Eight on 26th February 2020. Lennon: Ostron, I need you to sign this purchase order. Ostron: What’s it for? Lennon: Cleaning supplies. Ryu: Why do we need new cleaning supplies? Lennon: Apparently HR has determined mops are a safety hazard and they’re being abused by certain quasi-members of the staff. Ryu: Okay, you have to admit it was kind of funny when KayDee broke that slime trail and the Gath duplicate spilled the potion into itself and it was all glowy for a bit before it evaporated. Ostron: Hang on, this says the replacement cleaning supplies are more oozes! Lennon: What? where does it say that? Ostron: Requisition: 4 cubes, gel. 2 jellies, ochre? Lennon: Darn it! I thought that was for food. Ryu: Is the oblex lonely or something? It wants more friends? Ostron: No, the oblex is really good at making friends. Literally. Ryu: So wait, it’s actually trying to help clean? Won’t more oozes…
Archives of Candlekeep: Planar Tour: The Outer Planes
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seven on 19th February 2020. Mikey: Come on, come on, no! ROSTRO start-up sounds Mikey: Darn it! Ryu: I thought you were keeping an eye on him! Mikey: Yeah, but there was this footnote Lennon wanted me to check out for him about the cosmological disposition of Eberron in the planar landscape and- Ryu: And now you’re starting to sound like that thing. ROSTRO: Please state the nature of the mathematical inquiry. Ryu: Yeah, why did Ostron decide he needed your help with the planes? ROSTRO: Once cosmological analysis of planes in Dungeons and Dragons moves beyond the elemental planes, the number of areas to be considered increases by a significant number. Due to the number of potential information sources available, Ostron believed it was prudent to avail himself of my proficiency with extra dimensional analysis. Ryu: You know, I’ve got a little bit of skill with math. I’m pretty sure multiple…
Archives of Candlekeep: Planar Tour: Elemental
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Six on 12th February 2020. Ryu: So I believe the other day you were saying something to me that sounded roughly like “oh dear gods why?” Lennon: That was to the Killer DM, not you. Ryu: Fine, but I think I have a valid reason to ask you the same question? Ostron: Oh my…what in the Hells is he trying to build? Lennon: I don’t want to go to the Hells! I’m trying to figure out how to connect to the Elemental planes. Ryu: How many times have I told you to stop messing around with dimensional portals? Ostron: Especially not out in the main room! That’s what we have the Gnomish Workshop for. You know, the one with all the alarm spells and the antimagic field security system! And ROSTRO! Ryu: I’m not sure that last one is a bonus, but anyway, he’s right. No portals. Why did you want…