Category Archives: Archives of Candlekeep

This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Fifty Eight on 24 March 2021. Lennon: There you are! Ostron, I need some teleportation. Ostron: Um, that’s not a spell you can use as a Warlock…I mean you’ve got thunder step but that’s not quite- Lennon: No, no, no, I need you to teleport me somewhere. Al Qadim, specifically. Ryu: I’m probably going to regret this but why? Lennon: Well, I’m trying to explore this alternative patron idea, and I know genies are an option. I hear there are a lot of genies in Al Qadim. Ostron: Umm…yeah, I might need some help with this. Libby: Book! Ostron (coughing): oh..okay…wow that’s a dusty one. Thanks Libby. Ah, yeah, I see your problem. There isn’t a place called Al Qadim. Lennon: Um, I’m pretty sure there is. I know I’ve heard about it. Ostron: Yeah, that’s sort of the problem; you’ve only heard about it and you don’t know the details. To be…

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This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Fifty Five on 3 March 2021. Ryu: Okay, I realize the whole warlock thing is hitting you hard but this is too far. Lennon: What? Capes are cool, they should really make a comeback. Ryu: I’m fine with the cape, it’s the grey face paint and the red contacts. Isn’t that racist or something? Ostron: Against who? Grimlocks? They don’t generally raise objections in civil court. Ryu: All right fine, So why are you going all Dracula? It’s nowhere near Halloween. Lennon: Well, I figured new class, new Identity, and everyone thinks vampires are cool. Especially this one. Ostron: Which one? Lennon: Come on, I really tried with the makeup here. Guy in a castle? Unrequited love? Dark Lord? Ryu: I’m sorry, you’re trying to impersonate Strahd!? Lennon: There you go! Ostron: That…okay there are so many ways that’s a bad idea I don’t know where to start. Lennon: Oh come on. Look I did a…

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This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Forty-eight on 20 January 2021. Lennon: Oh good, there you are. Ryu: Yeah, what do you need stol-aaah recovered? Lennon: Nothing, I need you to help with that. Libby (sadly): Book. Ryu: Um…why me? Lennon: Because every time I try to go near it, Libby zaps me. Ostron: That looks like…yeah that’s three bottles of whiskey and it appears to have moved onto wine. What is a beholder’s alcohol tolerance anyway? Lennon: That’s your department. I just remember Libby actually got along with Ryu when she got it drunk, so… Ryu (sighing): Fine. Ryu (consoling): Hey Libby. What’s wrong, huh? What, oh, you have a piece of paper. Application for acceptance into the Avowed rejected. Aww, that’s too bad. Ostron: Yeah, that’s a blow, keep your chi — um — eyes up though, I’m sure there’ll be another opening soon. Ryu: Okay, nine crying eyes makes the shoulders damp pretty quick. Um, can someone quickly fill me…

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This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Forty-seven on 23rd December 2020. Ryu (breathlessly): Oh good, you guys are here. Lennon: Um, yes, are you okay? Ryu: Maybe? Are there side effects to chaining bless spells? Ostron: Why is that a question? Ryu: Look, KayDee is desperately trying to get involved with the Glasya research and I’m fairly sure that will end with her trying to summon the archdevil for a chat. I decided I needed an extra boost so I’ve been getting Gath to bless me continually. Ostron: I don’t know about any side effects but you certainly look like you’re under a lot of strain. Ryu: Yeah, well, you better hope I can hold it together because I’m pretty sure Gath’s totally out of spell slots. Like the ones he uses for resurrection? Ostrong: Right, I assume you have the notes to turn in then? Ryu: Yeah, here, lets go over them. Glasya’s presence in the hierarchy of the…

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This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Forty-five on 9th Decembet 2020. Killer DM: Oh whatever. Ryu for some reason asked Ostron for this research assignment and then she foisted it off on me! Can you believe it? The nerve!  Ostron: Oh, she gave *you* the Moloch research? That’s a very…interesting approach. I think there was an ulterior motive here.  Lennon: Make *us* miserable?  Ostron: No…I think you’ll understand once we get into it. You have done *some* work on it, right?  Moloch comes up a lot when you start looking up a who’s who of big names in the nine hells, but it’s sort of the same deal as when you’re talking about famous kings and you get to Louis [LOO-ee] the [16th] XVI. A lot of people know who he was, but that ‘s mostly from the time when his underlings rose up and threw him out. Also he had a harpy wife that people…

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This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Forty on 5th November 2020. (roaring) Ostron: I didn’t just hear that. (roaring) Ostron: No, okay, I did hear that. We’re Omega Black people, this is not a drill! Libby (panicked): Book! RaeRae: Getting the cover on the scrying pool. Gath: Securing potions. Lennon: Why didn’t we set up an alarm for this kind of thing? (roaring) RaeRae: Did you not hear that? It is the alarm! Where’s Ryu? Killer DM (amused): Oh my. What is going on here? RaeRae: That figures. Gath (sighing): Let me go find my diamonds. Ostron: I suppose you’re the cause of all this? Killer DM: Well all this panicking and running around, no, although it is amusing. But if you mean the Tarrasque, then yes. I mean, I’ve never seen one before, so I was curious. Lennon: You’re alive, of course you’ve never seen one before. Killer DM: I don’t see what the fuss is about. It’s just…okay well it is…

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This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-nine on 28th October 2020. Ryu: Lennon? Lennon: Darn it…yes? Ryu: Well, for one, you failed your stealth roll. For another, why are you heading toward the workshop with a blackjack? Lennon: I…need to use ROSTRO and Ostron’s in the workshop. Ryu: Okay, so there are so many things wrong with what you’re doing I just…can’t…even…but why do you need to use that…thing? Lennon: Well, I’m not exactly sure how to summon Asmodeus and I was hoping ROSTRO could help. Ryu: OSTRON!! Ostron: What? Ryu: Oh…I thought you were in the workshop? Ostron: No…why were you yelling? Ryu: Can you explain to me why Lennon has decided he needs to summon Asmodeus? Ostron: No…whenever he’s doing something odd I assume it’s a British thing. Lennon: Hang on, you’re not pushing this off on me, you were the one who gave me the research assignment. Ostron: I said I needed a few notes on Asmodeus, I assumed you were…

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This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-eight on 14th October 2020. Ryu: Okay, we’re back from the market and…um… Ostron: Here, this is your stack. Lennon: What did you do to my stash of Post-it notes? Ostron: I used them. Which I have to apologize because originally I assumed buying 50,000 Post-its was a waste, but now we actually need them, so… Ryu: Need them for what? The common room looks like a bad wallpaper job. Ostron: We have a mimic infestation. Lennon: Ugh, how did that happen? Ostron: I don’t know, I assumed someone looted something and it was a particularly clever mimic. Ryu: Wait, how do you have a clever mimic? Don’t they just sit and wait until something comes by and then they munch it with the gigantic teeth? Lennon: Actually they don’t have teeth, usually. Ryu: But I’ve seen pictures! Ostron: Okay clearly we need some reeducation here. Pull up a chair. Lennon: Um…. Ostron: Right, the ones…

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This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-six on 30th September 2020. Ostron: All right, buckle up folks, it’s time to talk about Elminster. Ryu: Oh good I had a bunch of other things to get done. Lennon: Yeah, I’m going to fit a few things in the schedule and … Ostron: Wait, what are you talking about? There’s a whole pile of notes I have here. Ryu: How much could possibly be interesting about this guy? He’s the most stereotypical of stereotypical wizards. Lennon: I mean, yeah, robes, beard, pipe, pointy hat, if Gandalf weren’t a thing this guy would be the prototype for every wizard in Fantasy. Ostron: You guys clearly didn’t read the bullet summary. All right, here are your notes. Lennon: Oh you better not have had ROSTRO pad this out. Okay so as Mordenkainen is to Greyhawk, Elminster is to the Forgotten Realms, although he doesn’t necessarily get the automatic title of “most powerful…

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This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-five on 23rd September 2020. Ryu: Lennon? Lennon: What? I put your knives back this time, I didn’t even leave any of them sticking in the fireplace. Ryu: Right, thanks for that, but I thought Ostron wanted you to work on the notes about Mordenkainen? Lennon: I did! They’re right here. Ryu: That’s five sheets of paper and a post-it. Lennon: Oh that’s where that went. Yeah, the post-it was just a reminder that I need to get more coffee. We’re out of coffee by the way. Ryu: You just went to the market. Lennon: But recall, I lost the post-it. Ryu: Ugh. Oh, Ostron, there you are. Did you check Lennon’s work on Mordenkainen? Ostron: Yeah, why? Ryu: Doesn’t it seem a little…light? Ostron: Oh, no that’s what it would look like. Mordenkainen is one of the most famous characters in D&D lore, particularly if you’re a fan of Greyhawk or if you’ve been following…

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