Archives of Candlekeep: Hags of the Feywild
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Eighty One on 15 September 2021. Ostron: Ryu? I thought you were headed into town for some snacks? Did you take the nightmare? Ryu: Definitely not. I don’t care how much KayDee insists he’s a big softie. No I met a nice woman on the road who fell in a ditch and needed help. She had a bunch of apples with her and gave me a bunch, so I didn’t need to go all the way to town. See here’s one- (loud horrific screeching explosion) Ryu (angrily): Lennon! What are you doing? Lennon: Saving your life! Old woman that fell in a ditch, needs help from a nice young girl, offers fruit? Did she give you anything else? Weird necklace, funny smelling potion, random baby? Ostron: Okay, Lennon, clearly you’re excited about something but the rest of us are a bit lost. Lennon: Ryu just described classic Hag…
Archives of Candlekeep: Unbalancing the Scales
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy Seven on 18 August 2021. Ryu (obviously vexed): Ostron! Ostron: Yes? Ryu: I have a lot of things I want to say right now but the first one is “What is wrong with you?” Ostron: I think you’ll have to be more specific … Ryu: Do I look like I’m in the mood for jokes? Explain this! Ostron: Um…”Experimentation Proposal Form?” I…I think I was working on this the other day. It was an idea I had, although I nodded off a little bit after. I didn’t think I’d gotten it done. Ryu: So you were actually going to submit this!? Lennon: Hang on, this looks like really neat writing…too neat. Wait, this isn’t written, this is printed … in dot matrix … Ryu: Ah…okay…So I’ll apologize because I think my anger is misplaced. Slightly. Ryu (subvocal mumbling): I really hate that machine. Lennon: (reading the form): Wait…request to have serpentine appendages grafted to shoulder…
Archives of Candlekeep: Greyhawk
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy Six on 4 August 2021. Lennon: So, Ryu? Ryu: What? Lennon: You’ve been to Greyhawk before, right? Ryu: Ugggggh. Lennon: Um, is that a yes? Ryu: Yeah, but I don’t want to talk about it. Lennon: Why what happened? Ryu (clearly exasperated): I had a bad experience. Lennon: How so? Ryu: Greyhawk is just a mess, okay? Everything is confusing and nobody really pays attention and…I just can’t deal. Lennon: But so much stuff comes out of there. I mean, Mordenkainen, and Tenser…here we are! Ostron! What do you know about Greyhawk? Ostron: Which one? Lennon: What do you mean which one, it’s one place isn’t it? Ostron: No, you’ve got the plane, the city, the plains, the castle- Lennon: Wait wait wait there’s more than one plane of Greyhawk? Ryu: (sighing): No; he means the geography. You know, mostly flat, lots of brownish-yellow plants, large herds of creatures that will stampede over you? Lennon: Oh, okay. Why…
Archives of Candlekeep: Thay is not your color
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy Five on 28 July 2021. Lennon: Ryu, do you like travel? Ryu: Oh yeah, trips are cool! Where are we going? Lennon: Thay. Ryu: No! Wrong! I told you; stop trying to go weird places and find a new patron! You signed a contract! Deal with the consequences. Besides, Thay’s on the no port list. Lennon: So it’s landlocked? Ryu: No!…wait, is it? Ostron: Yes. Ryu: Good to know, but “no port” as in no teleporting! Lennon: Aww, why can’t we go there? Ryu: Do you want a list? Here, we’ve got a list. Thay is becoming a more prominent part of 5th edition lore as time goes on, but it has been around since 1st edition. A 1st edition adventure module called “Dreams of the Red Wizards” (which the more modern Adventurer’s League adventure is loosely based on) was published by TSR in 1988. While it was placed firmly in the…
Archives of Candlekeep: Whips of Chains Excite Me (Shadar-Kai)
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy on 23 June 2021. Lennon: CHAIN DEVIL! (Eldritch Blast strikes) Ryu (surprised & angry): YA!! Lennon! Lennon: Sorry, sorry. Ryu: Oh you’re lucky I have a high Dex! How could you possibly think I was something summoned from the nine hells!? Lennon: Well the Killer DM- Ryu: Isn’t here! It’s just me! And you’re lucky. You think you’d have any better chance of hitting her? Or being alive afterward? Lennon: Well Ostron’s been opening up portals all the time, how do I know what’s going to sneak through? Ostron: Two. I opened one portal to bring in a consultant, and the other one to get Tony to sub in and you weren’t even here for that. Though that said, why are you carrying a bunch of chains around? Ryu: I think KayDee did some shopping while I wasn’t paying attention. I found this…I think it’s an outfit?…in my room. There’s a…
Archives of Candlekeep: Da Drow
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Sixty Seven on 26 May 2021. Ryu: Okay, so thank you all for meeting. I have an…uncomfortable subject to discuss. Lennon: Look, sometimes the outhouse is just too far to walk to and someone’s been in there forever and it’s really an emergency, and the scrying pool is self-cleaning anyway. I mean, we’ve all done it, right? Ryu: Um…what? No? Please don’t be talking about what I think you’re talking about. Lennon: Oh, um…no, I wasn’t. Just…sorry, what did you want to talk about? Ryu: So I think KayDee’s been doing research. Ostron: Oh that can’t be good. I wonder if she’s been using ROSTRO for it too? Lennon: I haven’t noticed you passed out on the floor any more than usual. Ostron: I…I usually sleep in my bed… Ryu: Not important right now. I think KayDee was in a hurry and ran into one of the research beholders and it knocked…
Wisdom of the Masters: When to Take a Break
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Sixty Four on 5 May 2021. (outside the stables) Ryu: All right everyone, I’m packed, I’ll see you all later. Lennon: Wait, where are you going? Ryu: I have time off. Lennon: Who authorized that? Ostron: I did. Things are looking to be kind of slow for the upcoming week. And think of it this way, if Ryu’s not here, neither is the KDM. Lennon: I suppose that’s true. Ryu: Everyone needs a break, man. You should consider taking one, in fact. Lennon: Nah. No breaks, no sleep, just focussing on the job at hand. It’s never done me any harm. Ostron: Last week you spent three days walking around with a piece of raw chicken, offering it to the furniture. Lennon: Look, I swear we missed one of the mimics from that infestation. You know my feelings on meat; that hurt me far more than it hurt you. Ryu: Yeah because when you…
Archives of Candlekeep: Modrons
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Sixty Three on 28 April 2021. Ryu: Ostron, I…oh come on, why do I always fall for this? ROSTRO: I would posit that the Killer DM implants a post hypnotic suggestion reducing your aversion to interacting with me until such time as you are already in close proximity. Ryu: KayDee wouldn’t do that to me! ROSTRO: The alternative is that your capacity for insight is sorely lacking and your memory recall of previous encounters is deficient. Lennon: What is all the yelling?…oh. Here we are again, I guess. Ryu: Oh, wait a minute, what happened to “please state the headache I need to talk your ear off about?” ROSTRO: If you are referring to the standard greeting of “please state the nature of the mathematical enquiry,” I deemed it unnecessary for this particular interaction, owing to the reality that the enquiry has already been identified and resolved. My summons was…
Wisdom of the Masters: Clear and Present Danger
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Sixty Two on 21 April 2021. Lennon: Really? You know I thought we were on the same page with this kind of thing but noooooo. Ostron: Look, it’s like I said, the best information comes from experts and…well… Killer DM: Aww, here I was hoping ROSTRO and I could get a little study session in but it’s just you two. I suppose I should have been suspicious when Ryu found the hat just sitting on her desk. Ostron: Yeah, ROSTRO isn’t being used right now – Killer DM: Of course not; I’m talking to you. Ostron: What? Killer DM: Never mind. So I assume you aren’t here to voluntarily donate kidneys? Ostron: No, we wanted to consult you on something. Lennon: No no no, you wanted to consult her on something. Killer DM: Aww, you just wanted to see me for friendship’s sake? I knew we had a connection. Lennon: That’s not – Killer…
Archives of Candlekeep: Daddy Daughter Date
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Sixty on 7 April 2021. Lennon: Hey Ostron, I’m confused about something. Ostron: And in other news, the sun came up this morning. Lennon: What? Ostron: Never mind, what’s confusing you? Lennon: Archdevils. Ryu: Well you’re doing okay then, usually they just kill you or trap you in a deal to steal your soul. Lennon: No I haven’t talked to any of them, I’m doing research. Ostron: We put that research project on hold, I thought? Lennon: Yeah, this was for…personal reasons. Ryu: Oh come on, you’ve had a patron for like five minutes and you’re already shopping around? For an Archdevil patron? Lennon: You are making a lot of unwarranted and unfavorable assumptions about me and I don’t feel that’s fair. Ryu: Am I wrong? Lennon: That’s…look I didn’t want to discuss that anyway. Phlegethos. Ostron: Fourth layer of the Hells, lots of fire, some of it semi-sentient, devil resort town, also the hells’ version of…