Gnomish Workshop: Living on the Edge (of Unconsciousness)
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy Eight on 25 August 2021. (Gnomish workshop door opens) Lennon (in obnoxious good mood): Hi anyone here? ROSTRO: Please state the nature of the mathematical inquiry. Killer DM: Oh good! Lennon, maybe you can help with something. Lennon (still in plastic good mood): Bye, I need to go dive in a gelatinous cube! Killer DM: So when I said “maybe you can help” what I actually meant was “get your pasty bald self in here, you’re helping.” Lennon: Look, my Charisma increased as a warlock, I still can’t help installing things in the machine. ROSTRO: My physical chassis does not require any modification at this time. The Killer DM wishes to delve more into the subject of unconsciousness. Lennon: Ohhhh I get to help with that? I’m pretty sure I still have enough of a strength score to swing a chair. Killer DM: Mmmm, better be careful which chair you…
Gnomish Workshop: Need Heals, where’s the … Druid?
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy One on 30 June 2021. Ostron: Ugh…Is Gath around? Lennon: Oh, man what happened? Did Cinder get too rough during playtime? Ostron: No, because unlike some people I don’t make a habit of teasing the large jungle cat. I was trying to drag a chair into the Candlekeep Annex and it must have a split edge or a splinter or something. Lennon: Are you sure? That looks more like a bite to me. Ryu: Um, yeah, so we may have a problem. I don’t think Gath is doing healing anymore. Ostron: Not doing…that’s what we hired him for! Ryu: Well I went to his workspace and I found all these fliers for something…what’s a discretion? Ostron: Oh great he went to a conference for Clerics. What’s it about? Ryu: Well there’s a lot of hype but the tagline is “you are more than a healer” and some of the panels are…
Archives of Candlekeep: Whips of Chains Excite Me (Shadar-Kai)
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Seventy on 23 June 2021. Lennon: CHAIN DEVIL! (Eldritch Blast strikes) Ryu (surprised & angry): YA!! Lennon! Lennon: Sorry, sorry. Ryu: Oh you’re lucky I have a high Dex! How could you possibly think I was something summoned from the nine hells!? Lennon: Well the Killer DM- Ryu: Isn’t here! It’s just me! And you’re lucky. You think you’d have any better chance of hitting her? Or being alive afterward? Lennon: Well Ostron’s been opening up portals all the time, how do I know what’s going to sneak through? Ostron: Two. I opened one portal to bring in a consultant, and the other one to get Tony to sub in and you weren’t even here for that. Though that said, why are you carrying a bunch of chains around? Ryu: I think KayDee did some shopping while I wasn’t paying attention. I found this…I think it’s an outfit?…in my room. There’s a…
Gnomish Workshop: Critical Imagination: Nat 20s Out of Combat
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Sixty Nine on 16 July 2021. Tony: Oh, there you are. Ryu: Excellent! Just in time, Tony. You are now a witness to my greatest victory! Hah! ROSTRO: Please state the nature of the mathematical enquiry. Ryu: Oh come on! Tony: What is…? Oh wait a minute is this that machine that everyone complains about? ROSTRO: I am the realized oikumenatal solution to removing obfus- Ryu: Yeah, yeah, this is ROSTRO and it’s still ON! What gives? ROSTRO: There has been no applicable action perpetrated that would interfere with normal operations. Ryu: I got a 20 on my Intelligence check! You should be a pile of useless junk! Tony: Dirty? ROSTRO: My chassis is capable of repelling all common grime and- Ryu (raging): That’s not what he meant! And it was a natural 20! I win! Why are you still making sounds!? ROSTRO: I believe the fundamental issue hearkens back to a longstanding misinterpretation of the…
Gnomish Workshop: Oathbreaking
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Sixty Six on 19 May 2021. Lennon: All right, I’ve got it! Ryu: For the last time, you cannot make a flumph your patron. Lennon: No, no, no, I’ve got all that sorted. See, I’m just going to ignore my patron. Ostron: I’m sorry, what? Lennon: Yeah. See, I’ve been looking into it and, as far as I can tell, there’s no downside. Ostron: How is that possible? Your patron is why you have all your abilities. Don’t they go away? Lennon: Nope. Ryu: Well that’s not fair; Paladins and Clerics have to follow their god and everything or they get slapped, why do you get a free pass? Lennon: Actually, they don’t have to do anything either. The premise behind Clerics, Paladins, and Warlocks in lore is that their power is not their own. Where Alchemists, Wizards, eldritch knights, and arcane tricksters study to learn magic, druids and rangers draw from…
Gnomish Workshop: Rolling Initiative
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Fifty Three on 17 February 2021. Lennon: Oh good, Ostron. I have some questions for you. Ostron: I did not tell the beholders to do that to your bed, you brought that on yourself. Lennon: No, It’s fine, the squeezing effect actually helps with lumbar support when I’m sleeping. Ryu: Um…what? Lennon: No, my question’s about time. Ostron: Why are you suddenly interested in that? Lennon: Well I was in a game yesterday and there was this scene going on in the middle of a mansion with all the characters spread out. The players said they were getting confused and I thought “Should I have them roll initiative? But they aren’t in combat. Is that allowed?” Ostron (yawning): Oh…that’s…an interesting subject actually- Ryu: Here, drink this. Ostron: What is it- Ryu (hurrying): Just drink it! All of it, down the hatch. Ostron: Okay….blech, ugh (coughing) wow. Um, that was gross. What was that? And why…
Gnomish Workshop: What is a Death Spiral
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Thirty-four on 16th September 2020. Ryu: Ostron had something for us in the workshop? Lennon: Yeah, though I’m a little confused by- (ROSTRO starts up) Ryu: Oh joy, I’m going now. Lennon: No, I am not dealing with the machine on my own, come on. Ryu: Fine. Hello ROSTRO. ROSTRO: Please state the nature of the mathematical inquiry. Lennon: No, you. ROSTRO: Ostron appears to have been analyzing the nature of death spirals. Ryu: That doesn’t sound good at all. Is he okay? Do we need to get Gath in here? ROSTRO: A death spiral does not refer to any extant or lingering metabolic issue. Please refer to the output crystals as I begin. On multiple previous occasions, it has been noted that the possibility of permanent death among player characters is experientially and statistically unlikely due to the structure of the fifth edition hit point system. While arguably one of the simpler implementations…
Wisdom of the Masters: Resistance, Vulnerability and Monsters
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred Two on 1st January 2020. Ryu (coughing): Why is there suddenly smoke everywhere? Ostron! What did you do in the workshop? Ostron (muffled): This wasn’t me; I was trying to find a way to charge ROSTRO’s power cells faster and then heard all the coughing. Ryu (still coughing): What is that thing on your face? And can you clear this out? Ostron (muffled): One gust of wind coming up. Wind blowing Ryu (deep breath): Much better. (sarcastically): Oh look. We have one unconscious Lennon lying on the floor with a bunch of open potion bottles and a cauldron. Why am I not surprised? Ostron (pop): Because your memory is still mostly intact. Ryu: What do you mean mostly? Ostron: Never mind. Lennon. Lennon! Lennon: What? It’s not my birthday, you can’t make me! Ryu: Okay…um…ignoring that for the moment, what were you doing? Lennon: Oh…I was trying to figure out how resistances and vulnerabilities might work…
Gnomish Workshop: Level 1 Characters Will Die
This article was first broadcast in Episode One Hundred One on 25th December 2019. Lennon: Um, Ryu? I was given this…paper by one of the Research Beholders. Resurrection Insurance for New Adventurers? Ryu: I am going to be swimming in gold, Lennon. ROSTRO: Given the required temperature to maintain gold in a liquid form, it would be inadvisable- Ryu: Oh shut up! It was a metaphor you overbuilt abacus. Lennon: And that’s why I couldn’t find Ostron earlier. So what exactly is going on? Ryu: So KayDee suggested I try to get to know ROSTRO because you know how we don’t see eye to eye on it. We got to talking about first level adventurers and the facts around them and that’s when I came up with this. Lennon: Okay, but…an insurance scam? How much have you been wearing the hat? Ryu: This is not a scam, Lennon; this is a real need. ROSTRO, can you fill him in? ROSTRO: With your…
Gnomish Workshop: Adventurers are the 1%
This article was first broadcast in Episode Ninety Seven on 20th November 2019. Lennon: And here I was so holding out hope that my day wasn’t going completely downhill. Killer DM: Awww does someone need a hug? Lennon: I will pay you money if you never ever say that again. ROSTRO: Probability analysis suggests you possess insufficient physical currency to facilitate that transaction. Lennon: Yeah, because I’m pretty sure Ryu stole it! Killer DM: Don’t look at me, she was doing that long before my favorite accessory settled upon her brow. ROSTRO: Your current predicament would quite easily be remedied by engaging in a quest or adventuring excursion. Lennon: Really? Killer DM: Oh yes darling there’s gold practically littering the ground out there. Gold has been the primary currency of fantasy settings almost as long as they’ve been around. In D&D, most of the items that can be purchased are priced based on gold, and the greedy ingrates who control the characters…